I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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