they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
