I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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