were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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