I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
