I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
