dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize