Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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