Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
