Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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