I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
