I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
