I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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