who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize