The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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