Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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