the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
