My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
