My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
