Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
