i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
