True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
