her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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