My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
