Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
