Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
