Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
