I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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