My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
