smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
