he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
