Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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