How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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