I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
