Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
