I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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