im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
