dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Houston, we have a blender
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
