Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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