my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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