my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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