If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
