Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
