thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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