i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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