I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
