i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
