Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
