if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
