I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
