my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
