i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
