I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize