I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
