Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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