I'm lost and stupid without you.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Randomize
