I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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