Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
