every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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