For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
