My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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