i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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