So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
