I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
