I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
